


One way ticket

by Darkwishes23



Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Hurt, I regret but at the same time I regret nothing, I'll accept everything as it comes, M/M, POV Morita Takahiro, Please Don't Kill Me, Song Lyrics, Sorry Not Sorry, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-28 18:46:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15055421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkwishes23/pseuds/Darkwishes23
Summary: No good without you...better by your side





	1. When I'm next to you...

**Author's Note:**

> I thought a lot about this one. It was a bit hard for me to write this down, this particular story took an emotional toll on me because it brought out so many memories and so many emotions that I hope was able to transmit here and also it was the first one I tried to write while having the block.
> 
> I won't say much since it can cause a spoiler hehe, but I hope that you somehow...enjoy it?
> 
> I'll just say that anyone is free to leave the story if it makes them uncomfortable. I won't take it personally and any comment is welcomed.
> 
> It ended up longer but I decided to be this way, sorry for any mistakes or the confusing writing
> 
> Disclaimer: Taka is not mine, Toru is...in my mind hahaha

**August 18, 2023**

 

I don’t know how we ended up this way. I try to remember what happened in the first place but everything seems…dark and so far away from what we are going through.

Everything started with a cough; it was such a simple and plain cough that barely caught my attention. I just asked Toru if he was all right and he shrugged like always, making himself the strong man we all know.

 

What went wrong from there? I wish I could know but…

 

There is nothing to do right now, except…hang in there. That’s all we have now, that’s all my life has been reduced too. That and trying to think what the future holds for us…

I keep watching him while he sleeps. I can hear him breathing and I’m glad. It means that he’s deep sleep and he can’t hear me sobbing while I wonder what is wrong with him.

I don’t want him to see me crying after the panic I showed when we ran into the hospital. Toru passed out today at rehearsal and he wasn’t breathing fine anymore. He always shrugged off his coughs and I was a fool for believing him.

I was a fool for not noticing that he was getting sick right in front of my eyes…

Now, we just have to wait…

 

 

**August 23, 2023**

 

It’s been five days. FIVE. FUCKING. DAYS. And no one seems to have a clue about what is going on with him!

They don’t have an explanation about why he looks so bad. His eyes have deep dark circles, he has troubles breathing for moments and he’s so pale, even paler than me.

He looks in pain and it hurts me that I’m not able to do anything. The only thing I managed was for them to let me stay at night. Causing a rant was the only way for me to not going back into our empty place, where everything is quiet, where everything is lonely without him.

He smiled after I came back from making the rant at the reception, saying that he heard my voice inside his skull and it was funny. I could barely smirk but that tiny smile made me feel better, even just for a moment.

A new doctor came in, speaking about many things that I couldn’t understand and asking permission to take more tests. We both rolled our eyes, they are going to drain him! But the idiot said yes.

“It’s worthy if it gets my ass off here, Taka”

Of course, he was right. I just wish that he is right when he said it was just a cough fist or the flu. If this turned out being a flu, I swear that I’ll wrap him up in bubble plastic the next time someone gets sick around him.

God, I’ve never before prayed for the damn flu before this...

 

 

**September 1, 2023**

 

“It’s almost Ryota’s birthday”

I could barely look up from his hand at his comment. My mood was so down that I couldn’t bring myself to cheer up at the birthday of our bassist. Toru is not going home soon…he’s staying a long time for treatment and it makes me sad to think about it…

I couldn’t believe it. Toru is strong and he has always had a good health, sure…he smokes but little by little, he eased his habit until it was almost nonexistent, so I kept wondering myself…

_Why?_

Why can’t I take him home with me? Was this some kind of test? We already lost so much time without being together. This is not another stupid fight of us, this is not a confrontation that we can fix by speaking and kissing each other.

His life is on the line…and there’s nothing for me to do…except watching…

Watching, waiting and praying to every Shinto God I’ve heard in my life because he’s starting treatment in a few days and I’m scared

 

So fucking  **scared**

 

So, no. I couldn’t think about Ryota right now and maybe he noticed in the way I didn’t utter a word about it but he didn’t argue back. He looks tired so, I held his hand until he fell asleep. I can only focus on my thoughts when he’s sleeping

I keep telling myself that he’s strong. He will be fine and this will be over soon. Toru is coming back home with me.

He’s coming home. I won’t leave him in here…

Not while he needs me…

 

 

 

**January 16, 2024**

I stopped thinking properly when Toru started his treatments. How could I? Everything has been pain and suffering for him since the moment that needle touched his skin.

He has what we call “Good days” and “Hell days”. Sometimes he would allow me to be next to him, holding his hand or singing random tunes for him and he would smile, but other days he just shuts everyone’s out and curses until it’s just him and the nurse inside the room.

I try to help him, I really do. Toru is always so proud of himself being able to carry everything on his shoulders without worrying anyone about anything.

For many years, I believed that he had a stone cold heart when it came to facing difficult situations as if he carrying the band after everything that happened wasn’t enough proof of it, but…

 

 _But..._ Today I saw him _cry..._

 

He was crying because he felt so much pain and it was as if an invisible hand squeezed my heart. I dropped everything I had in my hands to crawl next to him on the bed, wrapping my slender arms around his shaking form

“Don’t…d-don’t…Taka”

I just kept squeezing his fragile form until he let me do it without a fight. Not any single time I thought I would be able to physically fighting Toru

Now, he felt as if he would break between my arms and I cried too. I buried myself in the crook of his neck and cried like a child because that’s what you do when you’re useless while your love suffers.

We both cried until we fell asleep in each other’s arms that night.

I wasn’t sure who needed to cry the most, him or me.

I just wanted everything to be over. Please God, let the pain be over

 

_Please…._

 

 

**February 22, 2024**

Finally! Something good came to us! Finally, all those goddam needles were helping him to feel a bit better!

Toru woke me up by ruffling my hair and complaining how bad I smelled, truth to be told I didn’t shower for  _three_  days, and he said that he was hungry.

After months of hearing him complain about a stomach ache and having nausea, that was like music to my ears and I was more than happy to oblige his appetite and sneak in a hamburger and bag of chips inside the room.

“This is heaven”

He said with a mouthful of junk food and I let off a laugh, my first honest laugh in so long. I enjoyed myself by wiping his face and the annoyed gestures that he made

“You eat like a child, Toru-san”

We laughed again. Oh, it was such a good day, maybe the first one that I have a smile on my face as I slept with his hand between mine

Toru is going to be ok and I hate myself for doubting him that he would make it through this horrible nightmare.

He will be fine and he’s going to gain as much weight as I manage to get inside his body with all the food that I’ll cook for him.

We’re going to take a break and have vacations, someplace far away from this hospital, just the two of us to recover our spirits from this situation. We both needed some fresh air and no more hospital smell

I won’t have to step inside this tiny room again.

I won’t go back to sleep alone on our empty bed.

 

Toru is going to be ok.

 

 

**March 1, 2024**

I don’t understand what happened. Everything became chaos in here.

One moment I’m holding Toru’s hand and we’re scrolling through Instagram. The next moment he started to cough violently and shake on the bed.

I panicked and tried to hold him or do something but I paralyzed when blood started to come out of his mouth. He was chocking and his eyes were wide enough for me to see the panic in them

“Toru!” “TORU!”

I managed to blurt out before a couple of hands gripped my shoulders and roughly yanked me off the bed, pushing me outside the room.

“I love you, Toru! I love you!”

His shaking form was the last thing I could see before the door closed on my face.

I think a nurse kicked me out and there was a bunch of doctors inside. I sat on the floor and closed my eyes. The image of him choking on his own blood will definitely haunt me forever.

 

_Why is this happening?_

 

I buried my face between my knees and sobbed. He was fine one week ago. He was fine and laughing, speaking silly things and eating a hamburger as if it was the last junk food on Earth.

This can’t be the end. I refuse to think that this will be the en

Toru is the  _strongest_ man I know. Toru is a fucking rock!

This is just a fall. Just a damn fall…

I believe he will be fine. He  **has** to be fine…

 

**_He will…_ **

 

 

 

**March 11, 2024**

 

It’s been ten days since the last time Toru’s eyes were open. So many fucking days since the last time I heard his voice.

He had a fall down and his body is not answering to those fucking chemicals anymore. Surgery was the last option and apparently, the only option now.

I argued and refused many times, but in the end, it was my word against the doctor’s and I lost by default. They wouldn’t even let me be inside to be next to him and I so fucking mad! I barely had time to be with him before they had to move him out of the room.

“Can you still hear me Toru?”

I tried asking without a response, just a bit fast heartbeat and I told myself that it was because he could hear my voice close to him. I gulped down the lump in my throat

“I’ll be waiting right here for you, come back to me, Toru. Come back and we will go home,  _ne?_ I’ll cook for you and we will be fine. Just…come back to me, please. I love you”

I didn’t have time to know if he heard any of that. I want to believe that he did and he’ll keep his promise of always being here for me. It was the only thing left for me

 

**_Hope_ **

 

That’s what keeps me from crumbling down to pieces right now. The only thing that keeps me in here waiting, dreaming about his eyes opening and staring lovingly at me…

I had to sit down and wait…while a bunch of strangers cuts him open to save him and patch him again without me being able to touch him, to hold him and protect him as he protected me for so many years

I had to sit and  _wait_ …

I had to be strong again…and I would as many times as he needed

With a bit of luck…with a  _miracle_ …

Maybe…just maybe…he will…

 

Yes, he  _will_ …

 

 

**March 14, 2024**

 

I had to wait five long hours inside the room before they took him out...then, they made me wait three fucking days! The longest time in my life before having news of Toru. I had to wait so damn much…before the doctor came back…

“I’m sorry”

He just pronounced those words and I felt my blood draining from my body. The shock kept me in place but I was confused. I had to hear a man, a complete stranger, apologizing to me when I was expecting to see the man I love coming out from the surgery that was supposed to save his life!

He just said, “I’m sorry”, repeatedly as if that would ease the black hole that swallowed my heart completely!

He’s _…gone…_

Toru…he…he didn’t  _make it…_

 _He’s fucking gone_ and I…I can’t…

Someone better turns back time because this can’t be fucking happening!

 

**TORU. CAN’T. BE. DEAD.**

 

I don’t even know…

What is happening? Why is this happening to me?

Why does no one tell the World to stop moving because the love of my life is gone?

What did I do to deserve this God? What did Toru do to deserve any of this?

Why did this happen?

_Why did Toru have to die!?_

 

**_Why?!?!_ **


	2. You will forget about me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that I'm sorry if the first chapter touched sore spots. I hope you all continue to reading...and not hating me that much so far hehehe 
> 
>  
> 
> This second part means a lot to me so, thank you for reading!

 

**April 12, 2024**

 

It’s been almost a month…but it feel like ages to me. It’s been weeks and I already feel like my entire life has gone through my body and left me empty to the bones.

I keep staring down and the ground, the metal plaque showing his name and it feels odd, cold…

“It doesn’t feel real”

Tomoya speaks for me and I look up as if he had read my mind. No, it doesn’t feel real at all.

_How can you be in there Toru?_

_Where are you now?_

_Do you know how much we miss you?_

 

 _DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH **I**_ _MISS YOU?_

 

_Can you…can you feel how much I love you?_

_Can you feel me, Toru?_

Tomoya and Ryota took me away, always available to come with me to this place, even if sometimes I wanted to be alone, just with you, to cry my heart out without anyone feeling pity about me, without anyone to interrupt me when I’m thinking about you…

When I’m remembering the time we spent together, so many years…

Cause that’s all I have now…

 

_Memories…_

 

 

**June 29, 2024**

 

How long has it been? How many nights have I come back to this place to be alone again? I never thought that coming back here would be the worst thing ever

Well, I never imagined that there would be a day that I **_had_** to come back home and start living on my own again.

_~~Can I still call this “life”?~~ _

I just don’t know what it’s going on anymore. Every fucking night I just lay down and look up at the darkness of the room. This is not **our** room anymore, Toru. This is just an empty place that I used to share with **_you_**.

I want to scream to the World about my pain because it’s fucking tearing me apart and I can barely breathe when I’m on our bed, hugging his pillow, wearing his clothes; his scent still filling my nostrils and it…it just fucking hurts!

I want to cry and curse as I do every single night when I return to our home and he’s not there!

I want to cry and scream but I have no strength left inside of me…

 

**I miss you, Toru!**

 

I want you back! I want you back so bad that I would give anything to see you next to me!

You always showed me how wonderful life was by your side. You never taught me how to live without you.

 

_~~Why did you left me on my own?~~ _

__

 

**July 8, 2024**

 

I broke our pictures today. Every single frame around the unit. I took all of them off the walls and smashed the frames on the ground…or any possible surface I could find.

I felt so angry, still am, and I couldn’t stand to see myself so happy in those pictures, not when the person next to me is not here anymore.

I smashed the frames…but I couldn’t force myself to tear the pictures in tiny pieces. I looked at them one last time before tucking them inside a box to place it under the bed. Someday…maybe, I’ll be able to look at them without feeling despair…just…not right now.

I can’t do that right _now_ …

I’m so done with everything that I’m about to smash everything I can find inside this stupid unit! I don’t want to see anything that reminds me of him! I don’t need any of this shit! I want everything and everyone just to leave me the fuck alone!

 

_I’m done!_

 

**October 29, 2024**

 

I’m back…to whatever this is, not sure for how long, but I thought it would be a good idea. I needed to let out some thoughts.

I deny myself to remember what happened the last months. It’s just…still too painful for me. I stopped counting the days without him as I that just kept hurting me. I pushed myself to confront one day at the time and so far…I’m still here…

“ _Living”_

What is life for me now? I entertain myself in the studio, but not the one we had as a band. I returned to the old studio where everything started and I would lie if I say that I didn’t cry for far too long the first times I went inside.

Too many memories, too much to handle…

I just needed something to do during the days!

 

He is **_gone._**

 

One Ok Rock is **_gone_.**

 

We ended the band at the moment he left and it was a decision the three of us made. We wouldn’t let any other guitarist come in and take his place. Not in a million years.

So, I keep doing small records, just a few accords without lyrics. Every time I open my lips, his name threatens to slip from them; I try to keep myself in silence enough time before returning home. My sobs filling the silence every night.

I still have nightmares and I keep waking up alone.

This is how my life has been “carrying” on since that moment…

 

_~~Am I really moving on?~~ _

How long? I keep wondering…

 

_How fucking long?_

 

 

**December 7, 2024**

 

He would be 36 today. I don’t know how to feel about it

There is this…dull pain inside of me, but no tears today. I’m not crying right now but maybe tomorrow will be different.

I’m probably running out of tears this far or maybe I’m just _too tired_ to do something.

I stood in bed the entire day, my phone startled me a couple of times but I knew it was either Ryota or Tomoya. Honestly, I envy those two. How can they carry on with their lives so easily? As if our band isn’t gone; as if he is not gone…

 

Even so, they were the only ones that still call nowadays. I left myself clear in a small reunion we had months ago with some “friends”. Someone asked me about him and I exploded.

**_“Don’t ever fucking talk to me! I hate you all!”_ **

 

I spent maybe a week or more without talking to someone until those two started calling me again. Today wouldn’t be different, because anytime they call, it means that there is an offer for me to go over their places, maybe try eating something and spend the night.

Just…not today, not on the day of his birthday. I wanted to be alone today. I couldn’t bring myself to show my face or step outside. Honestly, I envy those two.

I wish I could feel like them, smile above everything. I would give everything that remains inside this place for a chance of breathing without chocking myself with the lump of my throat.

I would give _anything_ for a chance to see him again…

 

_Anything..._

 

 

**January 10, 2025**

 

There is almost nothing left inside this unit. I sold most of the stuff I didn’t use anymore. I found many things that I could just look at but I felt nothing for them.

I gave out clothes, old shoes, long forgotten CDs and many “ _extra”_ things I had in here. The place was almost empty, except for the bed, the kitchen and the dining room…which I barely used anymore. I kept the T.V and an old music player.

I’ve never lived with so little, but as I kept storing stuff in boxes and moving them to places where they wouldn’t invade my space…I felt my lungs able to breathe more oxygen inside of me.

I closed my eyes once I finished and looked around. Months ago, the mere sight of this empty place would definitely crush me, now it’s just… _there…_

I roamed inside the box with the Cd’s and a tiny grin tugged my lips as if it was a ghost from the past…

“You old stuff”

I mumbled as I placed the Cd inside the old music player and the music filled the silence. My mind wandering somewhere far in the memories, allowing me to see his face behind my eyelids.

 

Oh God, how much I miss him!

 

Those boring looking eyes, those thin lips. The way he smirked and his deep voice calling for me. The way his fingers skillfully played the guitar and how his hands held me close to him. The way he smelled…manly but sweet…

I left the music fill the place while I keep storing boxes. I never forgot the box I had under the bed but that one would remain there until the day it’s useful would come.

Many people would say that living in an empty place would freak them out, but not me, not right now.

This empty place…gave me time to remember…

 

Time to _think…_

 

 

**February 18, 2025**

 

I visited Ryota today, he called Tomoya and we all ate together, like in the old times. We talked and I self-indulged myself in their silly laughs.

“Looking good, Mori-chan”

I didn’t return the compliment but it didn’t felt bad _per se_ , I just smiled in return. I distracted myself for a while and that was good. I needed it…

“Bye guys”

I didn’t stay long either, for some reason…I wanted to be at the unit, so I excused myself early and they let me go without much fuss. It’s probably a miracle for them to see me out of my unit and I couldn’t blame them. It’s been hell for me and I probably gave them another difficult time by dealing with my shitty reactions.

I needed to think and to make it possible I had to be alone. I decided to let my mind wander while I was on the bed; that stupid empty side of the bed…I can’t touch it and barely stand to see it. It’s just so…plain…

I live one day at the time and that’s the only way I keep carrying on. I had to breathe deeply before rolling on the bed and moved down to reach under the bed and tug the box out. It was heavy in my hands but I dragged it to place it on my lap and opened it.

Many memories inside, it was so _painful_ and _delightful_.

I scrolled every single picture and burnt the image in my brain until I felt tears running down my cheeks.

 

It’s been a while since I cried at Toru’s memories...

 

I cried but it didn’t hurt. I cried because I missed those moments and I missed the way we talked about the future.

I looked inside the box once I had the last picture in my hand, breathing a couple of seconds before placing them inside once more.

That box stood next to me at night to look at it for the upcoming days. This pain…

I can tolerate this pain and the thoughts that brought with it…

 

Even just for a while...

 

 

**March 14, 2025**

 

I had to do something different today. I think this will be my last entry.

The writing was always natural for me, it came as easy as breathing or making music. Of course, I was better doing the second, always writing lyrics but this is not…that bad. Music always relaxed me, so I'll play some music.

I used that old music player and repeated the Cd I left inside, the music once more filling the silence around me.

This is a different day. I can feel it and I could only name this feeling as something I lost so long ago…

The moment Toru stopped breathing…

 

**_Hope_ **

 

Yes, this will be my last entry and I just want to leave a record that I’m not scared. I’m not mad either as I felt before with myself. I’m in peace and feels good.

This _hope_ feels so good.

I don’t want to lose it again. This is the last time I’ll write something down about how I feel.

Someday, someone will probably come and write something different about me, but just know…

That this is **me,** and this is a record that I wrote by myself about how I felt since the moment this punishment began.

The last year of my life without Toru.

 

**_Thank you_ for listening to me…**

 

 

* * *

 

 

He sighed and closed the laptop, rubbing his eyes, as it was a bit late, already dark outside. He stood up and stretched himself a bit, joints popping from being on the chair for too long.

He looked around the place, the music reaching his ears and he grinned a bit at the song…

“ _Remember that night? I had to leave you. You said it’s alright and I believed you”_

Ironic, as many things in his life.

He walked to get inside the room and grabbed the box that had been his company for the last few weeks, placing it on his lap as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“ _In this empty bed, where I’m all alone. I’ve been such a mess…”_

“Need a one way ticket” –he mumbled the lyrics before opening the box and took the pictures once more, smiling softly at his silly grins and Toru’s cheeky smile. He didn’t linger that much time in there, just took a quick glimpse and held the box to go outside the room, returning to his spot on the chair of the dining room-

“ _Anywhere you are is where I want to go. You’re my address…”_

“I don’t care how I get it…” –the object inside the box, alongside the pictures, used to give him chills whenever he looked at it or even touched it, no more doubts about himself. Today was different and after so long thinking about it…Taka felt nothing by staring at it, not even a single remain of fear-

 

The guilt **_won’t_** stop him anymore.

 

It was selfish and he knew it, but he has suffered for so long, even longer than the time his lover suffered inside that hospital room and as much as he tried…things never really changed for him. Taka felt that he was so twisted that nothing could help him anymore

“ _My heart is anywhere you go. When I’m next to you, I’m home”_

“Wish I could be there with you. I’m feeling lost without you…” –he felt his own tears rolling down his cheeks. The last painful reminder that this day would end in short time and it’s going to be officially a year without Toru by his side-

 

He couldn’t take that anymore…

No more fake smiles…

No more fooling himself…

No more crying at night…

No more pretending that he’s _fine_ …

_No more…_

 

“ _I’ve been such a mess…”_

The song was almost ending. He took the object and sighed in relief, it's weight now light in his hand. It was cold yes…but nothing he hasn’t already felt inside of him.

He lifted it and it touched his head as it has done many times. He felt nothing…and that was good. His fingers finding their way to hold it properly and took a deep breath. Just mumbling the last lyrics

“I need a one way ticket…”

He will be there soon and he can’t wait for it anymore. Taka let out the air in his lungs, just a couple seconds…

 

**_~~There is no other way…~~ _ **

 

“I love you, Toru. I’m coming to you…” –and he felt peace at the thought. Taka smiled with a hopeful look on his face, finger pressing each lock slowly-

 

The last click remained until the end

 

“ _I don’t care how I get I”_

_“Need a one way ticket…”_

_“HOME…”_

 

The sound of a gunshot filled his emptiness…

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haaa this story brought back so much! It's curious how life works, this is my 16 post, which has 16 moments that I intentionally wrote like that because it's inspired by a situation that happened when I was 16. 
> 
> This story is kind of a memorial to me. It's inspired and dedicated to two important persons. I love them and I miss them so much. One of them knows that I still wonder what happened, the other knows that I forgive him for what he did. This kind of situations does happen. 
> 
> And this story finally managed to come to life with the help of **Justice-san** , Thank you for all your help! :3
> 
> All the dates have a special meaning to me too, from happy moments and sad moments, including my birthday itself (which is coming so soon, Holy Hell!)
> 
> In any way, I wish this for any of them. I love One Ok Rock, of course, I don't wish them any worse.
> 
> Again, I'm sorry if this story touched some sore spots or anything like that. Sorry for this long notes too hehe.
> 
> Thank you all for reading, I hope that in some weird and twisted way you all enjoyed this particular story. Sorry for not warning you about everything before, I tried so hard to avoid spoilers! 
> 
> Any word about it will be appreciated :), Thanks!

**Author's Note:**

> In case of any wonders, those dates are not random. They all have a meaning to me even in future years. I'll explain more details in the next chapter, so please keep reading! Thank you for reading!


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